I’ve been MIA because I’ve been unable to sit down and write. So much emotion gets poured into the things I write that I can’t do it if I don’t have the energy and lately, I haven’t had the energy.
The one year anniversary of my son’s death hit me harder than I expected it to. I’m not sure if I was living in shock the first year or if my brain was keeping some of the emotions packed up to help me survive but whatever the case, something changed. And I haven’t been ok.
I’ve dealt with depression over the years - situational, seasonal. It has always come, unleashed havoc and left so I could turn things around and pick up the pieces. This time, it has overstayed its welcome. To be expected, no doubt, but I don’t know how to navigate through life with this new co-pilot of mine. My therapist described grief as an app that’s always running in the background zapping your battery and it’s so true.
I realized that it was taking every ounce of energy I had to get up and spend 8 hours working. 8 hours isn’t that much time. It has never been this difficult for me to put aside whatever was going on in my personal life and give my best to my job. I found myself truly feeling like I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t muster up the energy to function for 8 hours. It’s such a horrible feeling.
So, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and got on some meds. I’m still in the weird waiting period. Wait to see if there are side effects, wait to play with the dose, wait to see if it helps. So much waiting.
In the meantime, I’m still just sort of stuck here in limbo. I know what I have to do but with every sunrise comes the question: can I do it today or is this the day I give in to the intrusive thoughts, quit my job, sell my house, buy a camper van…
So far, I’ve managed to get up, belt out Hold On every morning in an attempt to convince myself tomorrow might be better and I just have to hold on one more day, keep my job, continue to make my house payment and stick to browsing camper vans but not actually setting a plan into motion to buy one. It’s been close… but here we are.
I’m learning that no matter how much self care and self awareness or how much grace you try to give yourself, sometimes it can still feel like it’s not enough. Sometimes, nothing helps and you truly just have to hold on for one more day. You have to get up every day over and over and over again in the hope that one day it won’t be so hard to get up. Sometimes, if the only thing you do that day is get up it still counts as a win.
I’m determined to keep winning.
