Life is hard. Showing your genuine feelings shouldn’t be.. But it is! It makes people feel awkward and we’ve been taught to hide what we’re feeling behind a smile.
This is not a repeat about being authentic, but rather about allowing others to be.
This is about a very important lesson I have learned in the last year - the importance of holding space. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced and didn’t know existed.
What is holding space? It has nothing to do with the Big Dipper and everything to do with my favorite topic: the Big Feels! It’s a sanctuary. A safe place to let everything out with no expectations, no fixing, no prodding or prying or worrying. It is permission to simply be without explanation because sometimes feelings can’t be explained. And that’s okay.
Sometimes, we talk to people about the things that are bothering us because we want their opinion or their help coming up with solutions. That’s important, too, but it’s a different kind of space.
How many times have you gone to someone crying or angry only to have them tell you things like:
It will be okay.
You have to look on the bright side.
They’re in a better place.
This, too, shall pass.
You can’t focus on the negative.
You have to keep moving forward.
You need to move on.
We’ve all heard them, we may have all said them at some point. Are they bad things to say? Yeah. Sometimes. In fact, sometimes they are infuriating. You have to sit with your emotions before you can make sense of them. You have to feel the sadness, the anger, the despair, the grief. Sometimes trying to drag someone out of that emotional mud isn’t what they want or need. And that’s okay.
By holding space for someone, you are showing them that you will meet them where they are at. You don’t expect them to smile when they are sad and pretend everything is fine. You’re showing up for them in the most genuine way you can without any expectation. You’re not rushing them through their emotions or shying away from them because they make you uncomfortable.
In the past 11 months, there has been nothing I have cherished more than the calm, comforting hugs that come quickly and easily when I’m drowning in grief, even in the most inconvenient moments. In public, at home - it didn’t matter. I was silently given permission to stop in the middle of whatever was going on and feel my feelings because - of course, I’m sad! And that’s okay!
Starting to see the pattern here?
Learning the art of holding space is about affirming to people that whatever they’re feeling, it is valid and acceptable. I’m convinced it’s one of the most genuine ways we can support others.
