It’s April but we’re about to talk about New Years because there are no rules here.
As we wrapped up 2021, a very dear friend of mine introduced me to words of intention in place of New Year's resolutions. The idea is that instead of specific resolutions, you just pick a word. A theme word, if you will. Something that you want to get better at, pay more attention to, etc. I was skeptical of the impact it could actually have but liked the idea and we did it as a group with our team at work so... I picked a word.
Authentic.
It’s been really difficult for me to be myself for as long as I can remember to be myself. I have always been hyperaware of other people’s perception of me so I put the majority of my energy into being what I thought people wanted me to be instead of who I really was. This led to deep self-loathing. Essentially, I taught myself to believe that who I am at my core was wrong and unworthy.
It trashed my confidence and self-worth and kept me from exploring my natural talents, voicing my feelings, and speaking up about things I didn’t agree with. It even impacted my ability to say no in dangerous situations out of fear of being judged, ridiculed and made fun of. My boundaries were non-existent and I began to believe that I deserved the treatment I was given no matter how terrible it was. I let people I loved abuse me mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually because I was hesitant to stand up for myself. All because I was afraid to be me... to love me.
I chose the word ‘authentic’ because I longed to be myself - loud and proud - but I didn’t know how. I knew it would be a welcome change but I had no idea just how powerful it would be.
Anytime I felt like I wanted to react to something I checked in with myself and asked - is this how I feel or is this how I think other people expect me to react? 9/10 times the answer was not this is how I feel. Very shortly after choosing to be authentic I made a huge decision about my life.
My relationship at the time was pretty great on the surface but I was emotionally unfulfilled. I stayed because it looked like society says a relationship should look. We traveled, we had financial success, we laughed together, we didn’t really fight or argue. I loved him deeply. But he didn’t love me… He was simply incapable of being alone and going through the motions of what he thought a relationship should look like in order to fill that hole. I could have been anyone.
So I decided it was time to call it quits. When I announced that we were splitting up I was met with, “but you seem so compatible”, “but look at everything you’ve accomplished together”, “but he’s not a bad guy”. After we split he admitted he knew from the moment he met me that he’d never be able to love me. In fact, he recently reached out and apologized for keeping up a wall through our entire relationship. And yet, I ignored my gut for years. I accepted less than I deserved. I neglected myself. I was so relieved after the decision was made. It wasn’t easy and it was incredibly painful, but also freeing.
Initially, I was so discouraged by the lack of encouragement about my decision but then I got frustrated and angry. I turned that anger into resolve. And that’s when the magic really started.
I stopped doubting my ability to succeed. I bought a house, I started speaking up at work, making changes and suggestions, joining leadership groups, reading books (Sensitive is the New Strong is so beautiful for anyone who has ever felt like they feel too much). I also started speaking up for myself personally. I started dating and stopped being afraid to call people out when they said things that were conflicting or offensive or just plain ridiculous. I wasn’t mean, but I told them how I felt.
Guess what happened?
The quality of the people surrounding me increased substantially. The connections I had before and the new ones I started making were so much more genuine and fulfilling. The more decisions I make based on how I actually feel and who I actually am, the better I felt, the easier things fell into place.
Being raw, real and vulnerable is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Not only is it a strength, it is a super power that makes others feel accepted and emperors them to be vulnerable as well. It is the meat and potatoes of true connections.
