I'm pulling this over from my personal Facebook page because I want it to be my first blog post.
Part of the reason I finally decided to kick this project into gear is because I so desperately need to heal from the loss of my oldest son, Quin, on June 4, 2023. Today marks one week since his first birthday since he lost his battle with mental health and this is the post I made on that day.
I shared my post about the Death Cab for Cutie album, Kintsugi, the other day and how it helped me through what was, at the time, the most difficult thing I'd ever been through.
Well, same lyrics... new, bigger "accident"
"If only you'd had known me before the accident
For with that grand collision, came a grave consequence
Receptors overloaded, they burst and disconnect
'Til there was little feeling, please work with what is left"
I've spent a lot of time thinking about today and preparing for it. Along with that came thoughts about the before and after of big life events and how they change us.
22 years ago I was a 20 year old naive mess of a child having a child of my own. I knew I loved him before he was born. I didn't understand how much.
Before Quin was born I didn't understand what it meant to have a tiny human depend on you for literally everything. I had some idea, of course, but you don't know until you know.
It wasn't exactly a beautiful moment, his labor and delivery. I didn't know what I was doing, obviously, and ended up going along with it when the doctor said I needed a C-section. Knowing what I do now, I'm not sure it was necessary. I woke up in the recovery room after a botched spinal block (my epidural only worked on half of my body so they couldn't use it for the surgery). The nurse said, "It's a boy!" I told her I knew he was a boy a long time ago and asked if he was ok. The last thing I remembered was thinking I was going to die because I couldn't breathe but at least he would be ok. She said, "I'll have to call and check." What?!
He was ok and happily nestled in his grandma's arms when I finally convinced the nurse I could feel my toes and was ready to go to my room. I couldn't feel them.. I think she just got tired of me asking her if they were moving every couple of minutes.
And my life changed.
Nothing in the entire world mattered more than being a mom. His mom. There was life before Quin was born and life after Quin was born. And they were very different. I was very different.
I made mistakes. So many. I did what I thought was best in every situation but I wasn't always right. No parent ever is.
Throughout his life I messed up. Many people he trusted and loved messed up. His teachers messed up. The justice system messed up. That's life, right? We all experience it in different ways and degrees. The more I think back about the things the universe threw at him, though, the more I understand. I'm not sure if that makes it hurt more or less.
Now, there's life before his death and after. They are very different. I am very different. I'm impatient and angry. Tired and in physical pain. I lack empathy and understanding.. or, at least they don't come naturally and easily like they use to. Some days I'm robotic. Some days I'm a puddle of emotions. Some days I'm lonely. Some days I want to be alone. Some days I'm sure it's a dream I'll wake up from. Some days I think of him and feel like I die a little more inside.
Some days... Very few and far between but some days I think of him and smile, grateful to have had the time and memories.
Through it all, though, I find a very miniscule amount of comfort knowing that the weight of the world is no longer crushing him. I wish it was a burden he would have let me, or anyone, help carry but it wasn't like him to share the load.
Happy Birthday, Quin. Keep painting those skies for us.
Forever 21. Forever my baby boy.
However many tomorrows
are left to me
I will miss you
In every single one.
